This post is dedicated to all the great guys out there looking for a cool, down-to-earth girl…
Time and time again, I listen to the stories of my amazing guy friends who feel worked up and disheartened by not very cool ladies who are playing with their hearts. These genuine, driven and caring guys get walked all over by dramatic, unstable and inconsistent behavior.
Stop it!
If it’s complicated, she’s just not that into you, or frankly, she isn’t worth your time. When it comes to love and relationships, there’s no time in life for complications. If it’s not easy, it’s time to let go and move on.
10 Signs She’s Just Not That Into You
- You think you can make her better — you cannot save a lost soul. A lost soul must save herself. You will make yourself feel emotional drained, exhausted and you will likely find yourself five months later wondering, “what have I been doing with my life?”
- She takes longer than an hour to respond to your texts (more than 80% of the time) — girls get way excited when guys they’re interested in text them. If this girl likes you, she will excitedly respond within 10 or so minutes. (Granted we have lives and sometimes will not be attached to our phones, hence the 80%.)
- 3 exclusive dates and no action? — time to accept the friend card or move on.
- She’s turned down hanging out with you more than 3 times or trying to hang out with her is really difficult — if she is interested and wants to see you, she will.
- She never listens to you — if she only talks about herself, only needs you when she needs something, or shows little genuine interest in your life and helping you grow, bye bye lady friend.
- You pay for everything, all the time — she should want to pay some of the time. If you’re one of those “old-fashioned guys” who wants to always pay, she should at least offer. Don’t let her drain the bank account.
- “She just doesn’t know she likes me yet?” — Seriously? We know when we like someone. Beware of indecisive / not interested women who will use you.
- You always have to make excuses for her — “oh, she’s busy… it’s a girls night… there’s a reason why she’s not answering my calls…” No, no. Move on.
- You talk to her friends more than her — Soo you made in good with her friends? Thought it’d give you better odds? Her friends might “think you’re really nice” but it’s likely annoying the sh*t out of her.
- She says “I’m just really busy right now,” or “This is bad timing for me.” — a.k.a. I don’t feel like you’re worth making time for. If she’s into you, she’ll make time and she’ll make plans.
All and all, it should be easy and when it’s right, you’ll know. There’s a lot of drama out there so keep filtering through it til it feels right…
Tags: advice, dating, men, relationships, women
Ok, so I agree with you 100%. However, what boggles my mind is that many of my friends have “beat” a girl to submission through persistence.
In my dating days (hahaha, way back when), I could immediately tell if a girl was interested in me. If she wasn’t, I’d probably just let it go after the first date because I don’t like to be persistent when it comes to girls. There are just way too many people in the world to meet.
However, some of my friends get obsessed with a girl. They get turned down left and right and try to do sweeter and more caring things to get her attention. Eventually, they swoop in when a girl has a bad day and become the shoulder to cry on (something like that). And before you know it, they’re dating and enter a relationship. I have never understood that and never will.
So there must be something to this persistence thing.
Great point but is that true or real? Have any of those relationships actually lasted? To me, it sounds like those guys were more set on winning than finding someone they genuinely cared about. I will also predict that those relationships will not work out long-term, and if they do, one party will never be entirely happy. I think one person is bound to become bored because the relationship was formed on a game, or what the other person gave, rather than on genuine feelings and natural spark.
are you trying to send someone these subtle messages and they just arent getting it? did you send them this post yet
Ouch. I just got OWNED on some of these.
(Also, saved me from investing further time in another situation like this.)
Michael – haha, this post was actually more inspired by a good friend of mine feeling heartbroken by this “crazy” chick and me having enough.
Stuart – YES! (Your comment in parenthesis made my day!)
haaa. i love these.
Gotta say you’re pretty on point with all these. Most are lessons I’ve learned the hard way LOL, but im pretty sure at this point I hold a more extreme version of all of those principles. Here’s my take on some of the above 10 points.
#1. No drama.
This is a core life principle. If you fall for drama queens, you are a drama queen, doggie. Chances are all of that “emotional confusion” that you’re so entranced with fixing in her is a mirror image of your own emotional instability. May want to work on that.
#2. You don’t owe her shit. Just be you.
Just the same way she doesn’t owe you shit either. The difference is, she probably understands this very well, and you probably don’t.
Girl mind: “Yeah, I took your free drink, but, P.s., I still don’t owe you shit. Kbye.”
Chump guy mind: “Oh shit! was that a nice enough drink? Maybe I should get a bottle? Maybe 2 bottles, so her friends can get have some too? Hmm. Perhaps if I pay for her cab home I can maybe get a dinner date next week?”
Stop that. Remember? You don’t owe her shit. No amount of dinner or drinks (or bottles, if you’re a proper tool) will win her favor. Doing that makes you look like more of a cash station toolbag than an attractive man. How the hell is she supposed to be attracted to you if all you’re showing is your purchasing skills? She has shopping buddies for that. If you actually be yourself, maybe she’ll have a goddamn chance to become attracted to you.
Along the same lines, guys always think they have to be on the “proving myself” end of the attraction formula. Try switching your mindset to “evaluating prospects” end & see what happens.
#3. Be honest with yourself about your intentions. If you’re trying to get some ass, call it what it is. If you want to date a girl, call it what it is. If you want to get married, call it what it is. Don’t go around bullshitting, cuz it won’t help your chances of getting what you *actually* want. Best case, you’ll deceive a girl into thinking that you’re about something that you’re really not, there will drama, and you’ll end up sucking your thumb. [More likely] Worst case, you end up calling someone and sulking because you can’t get any.
As an extension, don’t treat every woman like girlfriend/wife material. They’re not all girlfriend material. Be honest. For almost every negative male stereotype, there is a near perfect female analogue, so do yourself a favor and kill your “world of princesses” illusion. Have some standards and act accordingly.
……….cot damn do I love this subject…..
:sigh: I was going to leave it alone, but 2 quick last points.
*On persistence: Often times, especially with intelligent girls from somewhat conservative families, they are taught to be VERY skeptical of guys’ intentions (read: traditional immigrant upbringing lol). If you say “hello” at 1 coffee shop/party, try to kiss her, she says no, and boom, you’re gone, then in her eyes, you just weren’t that interested in her – you were just trying to get some (she’s right too
). With these kind of girls, you need enough persistence where your actions say “I’m real.”
As for your boy’s story, that game is horrible. In most cases, it is the recipe for a terrible co-dependent relationship that ends as dramatically as it began. Its like an NBA player who always stands at the opposing teams rim and just keeps jumping up and down all game. Will he eventually catch a rebound? More than likely. Does his career stand a chance? Hell no.
As a previous carrier of a VERY severe “knight in shining armor” complex, I can promise you that shit is doomed from Day 1.
LASTLY, since we’re talking about “nice guys”
*On physical interaction: Just Do It.
You are not being nice/polite by not making a move. No, you are another lame dude ending a flacid date in a lame way. You think she got all dressed up, put on a fly dress, did her makeup, straightened her hair and put on some fire heels so you can act/feel especially platonic about her tonight??? Do I even need to say anything else?
You are the man. It is your job to take this interaction/relationship to the next level. Failure to do so will usually end up with prompt and well deserved replacement.
HOLLA
Alex – wow! Thanks for your very thoughtful comment. I appreciate having a guy’s perspective in addition to my own as it provides a much more complete picture.
You said a few things that really stood out to me:
- On drama, “Chances are all of that “emotional confusion” that you’re so entranced with fixing in her is a mirror image of your own emotional instability.” YES! Emotional confusion felt in relationships is merely a reflection of your own internal thoughts and feelings… when you try to “fix” someone else, it’s likely because you haven’t yet realized how to fix yourself… and when you project onto others, it’s a representation of what you feel.
- “Be honest with yourself about your intentions…Don’t go around bullshitting, cuz it won’t help your chances of getting what you *actually* want.” I love this. In every aspect of life, we must question our intentions. How will this action or decision help express my intentions, or how will this help reach what I intend to reach?
- On persistance, “With these kind of girls, you need enough persistence where your actions say “I’m real.”” I completely agree with this! However, how do you define enough? How much is “enough” is completely subjective.
Love it! thanks again.
This is an awesome blog, I have had this exact same conversation trying to talk two buddies off the ledge (so to speak) when it came to girls they really liked but who obviously were not that into them. Sorry guys, time to move along.
You’ve laid out in detail a ton of particular signs which should be red flags that a girl isn’t interested. For me all of these come back to this bottom line – it should be easy and fun. That’s what relationships are about. If it’s a ton of work or it’s like pulling teeth to see someone and be with them, then it’s not working out. Just be honest with yourself and communicate that to the other person. If you both enjoy each other’s company and want to hang out, then it’ll be easy and it’ll happen.
Back in college there were girls who were into me and then there was my wife. She was not buying what I was selling. Not for a long time. True, this added excitement to the chase. But Amber, I have to let you know that we are proud to be the exception. After 2 kids, 13 years and a dream love and sex life, we are surrounded by unhappy and/or divorced couples that based everything on a superficial spark. Were some of these women unhappy before they were married? You bet. I think this is where girls are not doing themselves any favors. Girls think too much. They’re critical of themselves and each other and guys, too critical. What makes a lifetime dream come true, in my opinion, has almost NOTHING to do with whether or not she’s “into” you. Guys: some girls are not worth your time. But there are girls out there who don’t even know that they don’t know what they’re “into” If you like one of those girls, stay calm, be patient. Anything worthwhile in life is worth working for.
Andrew K –
Thanks for the constructive feedback here! I appreciate it.
I agree with your point about the “superficial spark.” However, I think no matter the circumstances, there must be some spark or attraction on one or both ends in order for anything to surface. Timing is what we cannot control and we will never know when and who things will work out with. My intention with this post was not to say that you should only focus on whether or not she’s “into” you but rather to recognize red flags and when to back away and let go (not to say that something may resurface in the future). I agree with your point on being calm and patient; in fact, guys, if this girl really does it for you, please do be calm and patient. She may have some things to work out and perhaps she will come back around one day. What I advise you to not do is 1. be overaggressive and impatient (THAT will push her way); 2. let thoughts of her interfere with your ability to meet other, potentially more fitting, girls.
Andrew, you also make a great point when you say that there are girls who don’t know what they’re “into.” My point here was that there’s nothing YOU personally can do to likely help her overcome this (except be patient and allow things to fall into place).
For the exception couples, such as you and your wife, I predict your success was likely based on a mutually felt spark that was experienced at the same time. I bet your success stemed from the ability to turn that spark into something sustainable which is likely a strong and compatible combination of intimacy, commitment and passion.
Congrats to you and your wife, Andrew, and thanks again for the thoughtful note.
Amber I love you! This is such a great post and rings very true to my experiences. However, I don’t think #3 is that transparent. (3 exclusive dates and no action? — time to accept the friend card or move on.) Nick (my bf for 2 years now) didn’t get any action from me until probably date 8 or 9! I agree with you on kissing though, if a girl hasn’t kissed you yet on date 3 she probably isn’t interested! I actually went on 4 or 5 dates with a guy and I just COULDN’T kiss him, there was no fire but I REALLY wanted there to be. So, I kept saying things to him to stall the process like “I want to wait.. so it’s special.” Gosh, I’m a bonafide jerk!
xoxo
Lisa – thank you!
You’re right – #3 wasn’t transparent at all! By action, I meant kissing but I purposely left it open-ended.
Come visit SF soon!
xoxo
Time to get an executive decision on that – when people say “action” do they typically mean ‘more than kissing’ aka ‘action of a sexual nature’, or do they typically mean ‘kissing or more open-ended activities’ ??
Same question for “hooking up” – refers to kissing + other activities, or JUST activities beyond kissing?
Girls are confusing, so I don’t even bother. For one thing, if a girl is not interested, WHY create situations where the above blog applies? For example, if a guy asks to hang out 3 times, why would she even give him a chance to ask the first time? Guys are dumb; any sign of a nice attention from an attractive girl is an invitation to the possibility of something more.
Also, what’s up with females who keep saying hi to strangers? When I’m in an elevator in the city and someone comes through the door, I avoid eye contact because it’s usually the attractive females who’d say ‘hello’. Guys and everyone else don’t say a word. Old plumber dude don’t say hi. Why say “hello” when I don’t even know you? Why demonstrate “niceness” when all quiet people are automatically assumed of being nice? I just ignore the person and let an awkward silence ensue. Any other actions would just lead to confusion and may lead to events where the above signs would apply.
As for the concept of “things should be easy”, I worry about that idea. An attractive girl will have an “easy time” getting guys to ask her out. Unfortunately, these guys are probably sleazebags, so we have situations where “Megan Fox” types are dating lame “Brian Austin Green” types because it was “easy” for the relationship to start. Maybe she wanted some smart-ass science/business dude, but had to settle for something else because it was the “easiest” to obtain. Now if you’re a guy who’s attracted to attractiveness and don’t like sleazebags, why even bother pursuing attractiveness when she’s probably been with sleazebags? Hence, I say: why bother? Art and Science is enough to keep a guy’s mind preoccupied, aren’t confusing, and they certainly haven’t been touched by sleazebags.
Motor Row Guy – while I feel we have entirely different perspectives on life, I do appreciate your thoughtful comment.
My point of view: a lot of things in life are confusing; especially when you don’t bother exploring until curiosities exhaust.
As for strangers saying hi in the elevator, perhaps that person is friendly. I often find myself saying hi to strangers as I’m interested in people and getting to know them. I think every person is remarkable; you just have to figure out what makes them remarkable.
As for Megan Fox, to each his/her own. Perhaps she’s happy.
Actually, this blog entry reminds me somewhat of “500 Days of Summer”. In the movie, there’s a relationship, but the guy and girl interpret it differently. It went further than the signs above, but it shows the classic “girls are confusing” I mentioned where a girl says one thing, but means another. Heck, it even has the “elevator” scene where the girl breaks the ice by saying “Hi” or in this case asking a question about the music playing through the guy’s headphones. She was being friendly, but it was that moment in the elevator that made him think “maybe I should ask her out”… such a cool movie.
I should add another point to my original comment as it seems to suggest my view is set in stone. It’s more like: I don’t even bother… unless someone comes along that changes my mind. It’s a priority that’s not in my immediate plans, but would be a welcomed gift by chance.
Amber,
There is some great stuff here, and I am sure every guy has been in a place where they really liked a girl and were too blinded to read the signs that she wasn’t interested.
Without going into to much detail here I believe the main reason men do this is mostly an inner battle they have with themselves. We (as men) don’t want to feel rejected, and when we find someone we “think” we like and are attracted to then we want to do what we can to make it work… even when one of the 10 signs above are blatantly taking place.
Most guys will think to themselves “well, maybe she is just playing hard to get and wants me to try harder”, but honestly guys, like Amber said, if she is not responsive in the first outing and you can’t tell when you look into her eyes that she wants you as bad as you want her in the first few minutes… she probably doesn’t have that type of physical attraction to you, and odds are those chemical emotions won’t develop over time.
Hence, it isn’t worth your breath or energy to focus on the one girl who doesn’t care about you… instead, give your hurt ego a pep talk and move on… you will feel better about it if you move on quickly instead of waiting around and hoping something will come from it. Let me share with you a little secret… she will never come around, so quite hoping
This is a great post Amber, maybe you should think about being a dating columnist in the near future… thoughts?
Lewis
Amber, thank you for cheering on the nice guys.
#3 i am glad that you later clarified that, but if a gal is looking for a guy who is anything other than a man whore, 3 dates is hardly enough time to trust someone in the sack. sex is part of a complicated hormonal and emotional bonding process, and all to often we throw that around as a way to propup, or bail out a relationship.
i think a simple kiss on the cheek or lips by the 3 date is plenty, and snuggling by maybe a 6th date and watching something together is about right. ( tv, people, movies, etc…. )
beyond that, i guess nature takes it’s course.
I know this is really boring and you are skipping to the next comment, but I just wanted to throw you a big thanks – you cleared up some things for me!
This is hilarious…and so true! I am old and married now (haha, 29), but I get so frustrated when I see my single friends repeatedly making these same mistakes. It’s really not that hard to know if someone likes you! When they really do, they’ll show it!