(Above: My dad (age 23.5) and I (1st birthday) on the left; My dad and great-grandma on the right)
People often ask me how I’m so happy and positive all the time. I do this by actively listening to myself, assessing what I can and cannot control, and then finally, I make choices based on whether or not the decision will create genuine happiness for me.
What is genuine happiness?
While it varies person-to-person, The Art of Happiness perfectly sums up my philosophy:
- The purpose of life is happiness.
- Happiness is determined more by the state of one’s mind than by one’s external conditions, circumstances, or events—at least once one’s basic survival needs are met.
- Happiness can be achieved through the systematic training of our hearts and minds, through reshaping our attitudes and outlook.
- The key to happiness is in our own hands.
Naturally, we will all face loss, change, death, difficulty and failure.
What I’ve learned is that how we respond to these experiences is what shapes our life, our happiness, outlook, and ultimately, our future.
When I was young, my father (pictured above) passed away. He was in a serious car accident not long after my 2nd birthday and he never regained full-consciousness. Seven years later he died. Although a very sad experience, I was able to turn these painful feelings into something positive.
At that moment in time, there was nothing I could do to change what had happened. The only thing I could do was to wish him peace, cherish and appreciate the impact he had on my life, and turn my painful feelings into a learning and growing experience that I could eventually share with others (as I am now). What he didn’t want was for me to mourn and be affected by his loss.
My mother (in a hesitant, frustrated yet grateful ”you’re just like your father!!!” tone) describes my dad as ”a free spirit, risk taker and passion-seeker who was uninhibited, fearless and too comfortable with change.” He was on his way to becoming a rock star and what he wanted in life was to inspire, motivate and make people feel. For this, I am thankful.
I often think about how his person and this experience has shaped me to become the woman I am today. 13+ years later, I realize and truly understand how this experience, as well as how my mom and I reacted to it, positively affected my life. For this, I am grateful.
Happiness in our hyper-connected, overstimulated and everchanging world
Consider the following:
How much time do you devote to your relationships? Which relationships are most important to you? Which provide genuine happiness for you? Do you allocate and prioritize your time accordingly?
Spike Jones posted a tweet today that immediately grabbed my attention. He said: “Are you just participating in people’s conversations, or are you participating in their lives? There’s a big difference.”
I totally agree. However, the question is: who are these people and how many people’s lives can we realistically participate in? Participating in people’s lives takes time, energy and effort. Who makes that cut? When does it become too much? How do we cut out what truly doesn’t matter?
Technology makes communication easier and faster. As a result, we make connections and relationships faster, and we take away our time to attend to these relationships.
When does this stop?
When do we spend time understanding and participating in our own lives rather than the lives of others?
Most importantly, when is the focus not on gaining new and getting more; instead, on appreciating what is and cherishing it until it ends?
One day, we and the people we love will die. At any moment, the exciting new project we’re working on, the amazing relationship we feel we’re in, and this great moment in time may end.
Endings are okay. They’re inevitable. Often, we feel they’re not okay when we discover that we didn’t give what we wish we would have or we realize we made choices based on ideals that didn’t create genuine happiness for us. In a world of choices, it’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of pleasing others or not knowing how to please ourselves.
That’s when you need to stop, take a step back and ask yourself: is who and what I’m investing my time on making me happy? How am I actively pursuing and expressing this happiness? Am I letting past irrelevance, future uncertainty or the hyper-connected world we live in get in the way of what makes me truly happy?
If so, it’s okay. Remember: the key to happiness is in your own hands.
Tags: family, happiness, loss, purpose of life, relationships, the art of happiness
WOW! To be so young and have such a grip on who you are and how you are is truly a treasure. I thank you for your words… and I must say that your answer to Spike Jones tweet should be that you are participating in this life
(as I am sure many many others). No pressure but you do make a difference…. thanks again.
I was having such an awful day so this post definitely made me think about things. I’ve been really struggling with where I’m going in life and what I want to do- your first paragraph grabbed my attention and kinda hit me in the head. The only thing holding me back is myself.
Keep up the good work Ambs.
Amber, Thanks for sharing your personal secrets to seeking happiness. This has been front of mind for me recently and deserves introspection to keep an even keel. I appreciate the purpose, perspective and participation aspects of our pursuit of happiness. Cool topic!
Amber- You are obviously a person with strong character and willingness to find happiness in life. I always like to call this a “zest for life.” Not too many people have it, but judging from the heartaches, obstacles, and love you have received in your life and the person you are because of it, you definitely have something special.
Never before has a generation had to deal with the hyper-connected time we live in. The online and offline worlds so easily blend. I, too have been battling with the same dilemma of balancing my time in the online and offline worlds. We are often so caught up in what’s going on at work (and for many of us, that’s what’s going on online) that we often neglect the importance of the people around us that really matter. Connections are important, but caring relationships are what gives our lives meaning.
Thanks for this post, Amber. You are really a fantastic writer and person
Amber this was terrific. I think it was in Carnegie’s book where he said “You’re about as happy as you decide to be.” Don’t know if you’ve read it, but you seemed to have nailed it.
All – thanks for your kind words! They truly mean a lot.
Mark – your comment means a lot! No pressure at all… my goal / purpose with blogging is to inspire or make just one person every day consider their actions and decisions.
Whit – I love you! All will be okay. call me!
Ryan – glad you liked! Good luck with your exploration of seeking happiness.
Carla – thank you much! You and I are definitely on the same page with trying to find the balance. Keep up your amazing, thoughtful and inspiring posts too!
Brian – I have read that book but I agree, great quote! Thanks for sharing.
Amber–great post, very touching, heart-felt…and insightful.. We’re hurdling ahead so fast into the always-on, always connected world that we risk losing touch with the people, relationships and connections that do matter. We’re only on this planet for a short time so we need to make all this count. Like you, I lost my father early on, and it gave me different perspective, that life is fleeting and everything can change in a heartbeat. Also, make every moment count. Thanks for the reminder(and sharing.)
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